Forced into fitting her agenda.(Journal Entry #9)

If I could put some corny ‘it gets better!’ quote here, I would. I don’t know any, and I’m glad I don’t right now, because I don’t feel like it would get better. Break ups suck. Realising your whole lifestyle is one big, lonely void of nothing sucks. It all just sucks.

This morning I got up, got dressed and went outside for no apparent reason. I didn’t set out to do anything in particular except find something I can devote myself to. I spent the next couple of hours trying to find a hobby or a project. Games, books, arts and crafts, all sorts. I tried finding something and I just couldn’t. Nothing made me want to invest my time into it. Nothing helped me forget the fact I’m doing this to stop thinking about her. Even the bus ride home I couldn’t stop thinking about how in a matter of days everything just turned to shit.

I mean, I hadn’t talked to her in days. It didn’t affect me since I thought it was a small hiatus, but yesterday she told me she was done. She couldn’t handle the fact we haven’t met and that I couldn’t make plans to move to another country. Keep in mind, she hasn’t moved out yet or moved to the city she wants ME to move to eventually, and yet I’m the one wasting her time. I even planned to visit her on her birthday early next year once I had the money, but that failed to stop her from breaking up with me. She blamed my lack of efforts to see her when I had the money to (excluding the fact I was on an apprentice wage for a year, by the time my wage improved I was laid off within months, and I spent nearly a year unemployed with just my savings to keep me going). Yet I’m the bad person for trying to keep my head above water in the meantime.
That’s what’s keeping me from having a breakdown. Knowing I was shit on for having a bad hand for multiple years, and being told I don’t try hard enough when I put my life on the line for her wellbeing multiple times. If it wasn’t for that, I don’t know where I’d be. I guess sometimes the worst outcome is the best deterrent from going crazy. It might keep me down, but eventually… I can only hope it gets better.


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